Visuals about Feedback giving and receiving.
Feel free to use those visuals for your work and study.
In regards to feedback, while many of us are primarily focused on how to give feedback ‘the right way,’ it’s actually the receiving end that matters most, regardless of how well the feedback givers did their job.
It is, of course, great when feedback givers are skillful in doing it. We pay a lot of attention to learning how to give feedback in a good way, following advice and structures such as:
→ “The 4 steps to giving feedback”
→ “Feedback sandwich” (or “Feedback sandwich does not work!”) or “Feedback wrap”
→ “Keep the ratio of 5 positive statements to 1 constructive feedback statement” (where “constructive” is just a euphemism for “negative” 😉)
→ “Feedback needs to be timely, factual, unbiased, actionable … “
But what matters the most is how skillful we are in receiving the feedback.
Feedback can help us enormously to progress and grow. But only if we are open to receiving it and know how to get the most out of it – even when it is not perfectly worded, without the 4 steps, sandwich or not-sandwich, with an imperfect combination of positive and constructive – or even just pure criticizing – “You never listen to me!” 😉
Learning and growth are core ingredients of satisfaction in life.
We are wired to learn, but as it turns out, learning about ourselves is a totally different thing.
Such learning, which we often get through feedback, can be brutally painful.
In addition, the way feedback is delivered is often far from being perfect, as it might be that:
→ others don’t understand how painful it can be
→ they are just bad at giving feedback
→ they are angry at us
→ they are busy
We all know that feedback makes us stronger and helps us grow. And still, when we see such tough feedback coming, we are tempted to turn and run (“Hello, Mom!”)
As Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen put in their book “Thanks for the Feedback”:
“In addition to our desire to learn and improve, we long for something else that is fundamental: to be loved, accepted, and respected just as we are. And the very fact of feedback suggests that how we are is not quite okay.
Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs—our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance. These needs run deep, and the tension between them is not going away.”
And still, we all have the capacity to learn, despite fear, even from not-so-perfect feedback givers. We all can develop the skill to face any kind of feedback and benefit from it. And as a result, become stronger and grow.
And even if we understand that feedback helps us grow, some kinds of feedback really hit a nerve with us.
Our hearts start pounding, our thoughts scatter, our emotions overflow, and we feel an adrenaline rush.
Such a reaction might completely block feedback receiving.
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, in their book “Thanks for the Feedback” describe three types of triggers which create strong reactions in us that prevent us from accepting feedback:
1️⃣ Truth Triggers
This trigger fires us when we feel that the feedback is off, unhelpful, unfair, inaccurate, or simply untrue
❌ “Wrong Feedback”
2️⃣ Relationship Triggers
Even if feedback is accurate, it is colored by the relationship between the giver and the receiver, and we can have reactions based on what we believe about the giver, do we trust or respect them, or how we feel treated by the giver.
❌ “Wrong Person”
3️⃣ Identity Triggers
Whether the feedback is right or wrong, coming from a respected or untruthful source, something about it might cause our identity to be seriously shaken. We believed that something was our strong side, we were proud of it, and it was tightly connected to our identity, and suddenly this has been challenged. We feel overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, losing balance. We are suddenly unsure of what to think about ourselves.
❌ “Wrong Me”
These reactions might even be pretty reasonable:
→ The feedback can be off-target.
→ The person giving it might have proven untrustworthy.
→ We might feel threatened and off balance.
Our triggered reactions are not obstacles because they are not reasonable.
They are obstacles because they prevent us from engaging in conversations that could help us understand more and maybe deepen our relationships.
Receiving feedback well is a process of sorting and filtering, shelving some parts of it for the future, or fully discarding them. And also learning how the other person sees things. And willing to experiment and try new ideas.
But it is nearly impossible to do from inside our triggered reactions. And so we might put aside potentially valuable feedback to a discard pile, or vice versa, we take to heart something that needs to be left out completely.
Has it ever happened to you that you received totally irrelevant feedback? Something that was absolutely off?
We might think:
“That’s not true!”
“That’s not me!”
This might be the ‘Truth Trigger,’ which occurs when we perceive the feedback as incorrect.
Why can this happen?
The reasons for Truth trigger might be the following:
→ We have different standards from the feedback giver: what seems acceptable to us is sluggish work according to their high (‘perfectionist’) standards
→ We might have different data: they may know something that we don’t know or vice versa, and some of our (or their) information is not relevant in this particular context
→ They interpret our behavior in their own way: We weren’t trying to be bossy; we were simply doing our best to ensure that we met the deadline we promised as a team, and perhaps we tried too hard.
→ We interpret their words in our own way: They mentioned that we seemed unprofessional during a client meeting, and we thought they were criticizing our competence. However, they were actually referring to a joke that was inappropriate for a formal setting.
→ And well, we might have blindspots – we just don’t see something about ourselves. Often, the stronger our reaction, the more likely it is that a blindspot is involved.
Why can this happen?
The reasons for Truth trigger might be the following:
→ We have different standards from the feedback giver: what seems acceptable to us is sluggish work according to their high (‘perfectionist’) standards
→ We might have different data: they may know something that we don’t know or vice versa, and some of our (or their) information is not relevant in this particular context
→ They interpret our behavior in their own way: We weren’t trying to be bossy; we were simply doing our best to ensure that we met the deadline we promised as a team, and perhaps we tried too hard.
→ We interpret their words in our own way: They mentioned that we seemed unprofessional during a client meeting, and we thought they were criticizing our competence. However, they were actually referring to a joke that was inappropriate for a formal setting.
→ And well, we might have blindspots – we just don’t see something about ourselves. Often, the stronger our reaction, the more likely it is that a blindspot is involved.
How do we usually react?
→ In the best case, we simply ignore it
→ Or we start fighting: “What is that?!”
But what if there is still at least some element of truth in such feedback? What if we were curious and wanted to know more about where such feedback comes from? What if we could learn more about ourselves or perhaps understand other people’s concerns better?
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